Nordo In the Beginning 1
(Manuscript founds under an old fryer in the Haight district of San Francisco. Fryer was used for fries as well as falafel. The pages were in such poor condition and stuck together in a mass that it took 4 scientists 10 years to transcribe it.)
1 In the beginning God created the stomach and the kitchen.
2 Now the refrigerator was formless and empty, the crisper and cupboards were bare, and a great hunger roiled in the depths.
3 And God said, "Let there be fat," and there was fat. 4 God saw that the fat was good, and he placed the fat in a skillet on high heat, whisked, adding butter and a small portion of cornstarch. 5 God called the fat “gravy”. And how the combination of animal juices and butter created a substance to love. And there was mashed potatoes and gravy—the first meal.
6 And God said, "Let there be fermentation in the yeasts and separate the liquid from the solid." 7 So God made the wheat ferment as it lay in the sun and caused the sugars of the liquid to differ from the sugars of the solid. And it was so. 8 God called the solid “bread”, and he called the liquid “beer”. And there was a pint of ale and a bowl of pretzels—the second meal.
9 And God said, "Let the times of the day separate, let the day be divided into three meals and a few snacks between, so that a variety of tastes may be consumed." And it was so. 10 God called the first "breakfast," and the second he called "lunch," and the third he called “dinner.” He allowed the times between to be filled with every array of chip and cookie, every precut carrot and celery stalk, and as an added bonus he made another time, after dinner, in which sweets would taste good and this he called “dessert.” And God saw that it was good.
11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation so that the bowels may be regular and the vegetarian may annoy the omnivore: let seed-bearing plants and trees that bear fruit grow, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced corn, wheat, arugula, spinach, grapefruits, brussel sprouts, collards, squash, and all other amazing varieties of edible plants. And God saw that it was good. 13 And though all these wonders existed, there was an iceberg lettuce salad dotted with cherry tomatoes and strings of grated carrot—the third meal.
14 And God said, "Let the water teem with fish to hook and net." 15 So God created the salmon, the bass, and the cod, the great tuna and the farmed tilapia- all the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 16 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number the many ways of being prepared each to its own kind whether in a can with oil, or rolled with sticky rice, or slightly braised with a dash of lemon and a sprig of rosemary.” And God, in his infinite wisdom slathered the flesh of a cod in batter and dropped it into the boiling oil. Vinegar was the finishing touch. 17 And God saw it was good, and there was fish and chips—the fourth meal.
18 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, that move slowly along the ground, each one easy to round up and herd, with little brains and even littler desire to flee, each according to its kind." And it was so. 19 God made the wild animals into the livestock according to their kinds, and so the lumbering cow, truly a package of meat waiting to be eaten if ever these was one. And the cow was kept in a pen, fed, and culled, skinned and packaged between Styrofoam and plastic wrap so that all the men and women of the earth may eat the top sirloin. And God saw it was good. And He said, “Let the process be so simple that all that man requires is a grill and a bag of self lighting coals.” And it was so. And there was the fifth meal- steak off the grill.
20 And God said, "Let there be different culinary styles with variable ingredients and methods to separate the Mexican from the Italian, and the Indian from the Chinese, and let them be served as traditions to mark restaurants, 21 and let them be revered and give the earth a great variety of flavors." And it was so. 22 God made many great traditions —the great Mexican to govern the taco and the great Italian to govern the pizza, the great Indian to govern the tandori, and the great Chinese to govern the dim sum. He also made the perogis, the spatzens, the Denver omelettes and the tapas. 23 God set them along the avenues of the Midwest, 24 to satisfy during both the day and the night, and to separate full stomachs from hunger. And God saw that it was good. 25 And there was the ethnic restaurant—the sixth meal.
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them hook the fish of the sea and shoot the birds of the air, let them lord over the livestock at their mechanized troughs and determine which of all the creatures of the earth are worth consuming and which are only for show. Let them lord over all the grills and ovens of the earth, let them know the use of the spatula and make good with the Quisinart- TM."
27 So God created man in his own image, male and female he created them. And so man, a little hairier than needed with a paunch and dirty fingernails, in his greasy white apron and floppy hat, stood in the kitchen of a diner with a cigarette dangling from his lips, and he burped. And knowing that this one could never do the job well, He created the lady and put her in something pink and above the knee, gave her a husky voice and an order ticket, and she smiled a weary smile.
28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be numerous and roam the earth in search of something fried; fill the diner booths of the world and drink too much cheap, black coffee."
29 Then God said, "I give you every slice of bacon and every serving of hash browns, every hamburger patty and every sausage link and every shred of meat unusable for that patty and that sausage link ground up and made into a hot dog. I give you the chicken breast fried and covered with gravy, the grayish lima beans and fruit cocktail in the can. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give corn for food whether or not that animal is suited to it." And it was so.
31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was the diner for every other meal.
Nordo In the Beginning 2
1 Thus the stomach and the kitchen were completed in all their vast array.
2 By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he sat down in front of the television with a plate of water crackers and sharp cheddar cheese, and he rested [a] from all his work. 3 And God drank a six-pack of light beer on the seventh day and became drunk, and so he slept well and snored after all the drinking that he had done.
